2 posts tagged “bad parenting”

I have witnessed 1st hand this past year what happens to a child's self esteem and self worth when their parent is a drunk and only cares about themselves because of the drinking.  I have an acquaintance whom we have all tried to help, but refuses to get help for her alcoholism.  It's very sad and what it is doing to her child is even worse.

Children of alcoholics are a population without a clear definition. Because the concept of COA (children of alcoholics) is focused on the child rather than the parent, the definition of a COA is any child whose parent (or parental caregiver) uses alcohol in such a way that it causes problems in the child's life. The child may no longer be living with the substance abusing parent because of separation, divorce, abandonment, incarceration or death. And the parent does not have to be still actively drinking or using for the child to continue to feel the impact of the abuse.

In families where alcohol is being abused, behavior is frequently unpredictable and communication is unclear. Family life is characterized by chaos and unpredictability. Behavior can range from loving to withdrawn to crazy. Structure and rules may be either nonexistent or inconsistent. Children, who may not understand that their parent’s behavior and mood is determined by the amount of alcohol in their bloodstream, can feel confused and insecure. They love their parents and worry about them, and yet feel angry and hurt that their parents do not love them enough to stop using.

Despite the suffering these children endure, many blame themselves for their parent’s substance abuse. They believe it when their parents scream that they wouldn’t drink so much if the children didn’t fight, or rooms were kept clean or grades were better. Some children try to control the drinking by getting all A’s, or keeping the house spic and span, or getting along perfectly with their siblings. Others withdraw, hoping not to create any disturbance that might cause a parent to drink or use. Few realize that children cannot cause a parent to drink nor can they cure a parent’s substance problem.

Many times, children of substance abusers are frightened. They may be the victims of physical violence or incest. They may also witness violence – frequently alcohol and other drug abuse goes hand in hand with domestic violence. And as a result, these youngsters may suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome, with the same kinds of sleep disturbances, flashbacks, anxiety, and depression that are associated with victims of war crimes. These children are not only frightened for their own well-being – they also harbor the all-too-real concern that their parent may get sick or die as a result of the drinking. They know that their parent may drive intoxicated, or get into fights on the street.

Despite the fact that friends can be a buffer for the problems at home, some COAs have a limited social life. They may avoid bringing home friends, or going out in public with their parents. They may even shy away from making friends, because they lack basic social skills or out of a profound fear that someone will find out the truth. They may also find it difficult to make friends because other parents have warned their children to stay away from these youngsters from troubled families. On the other hand, some young people use friends as buffers, relying on their leadership skills to take on key positions in school and extracurricular activities. These young people are often among the most difficult to identify as COAs because their achievements make them seem so "well-adjusted."

Not every family is affected identically. Research has shown that families that maintain certain "rituals," such as holiday traditions or a Friday night pizza and movie can help mediate the chaos of addiction. Sober parents who are able to provide stability, support and nurturing also help minimize confusion and strengthen children. Sometimes family life is less damaging because children rely on "adaptive distancing," a technique in which the child separates from the "centrifugal pull" of family problems in order to maintain pursuits and seek fulfillment in life, school and friendships.

With all this said, my aquaintence still is abusing alcohol, leaving her child to fend for himself at times, going from boyfriend to boyfriend & blaming everyone else for her problems.

I beleive the next step for this person would be for somebody to take the child out of the home so that the child is safe.

It's a sad situation, but happens all to often.  We have a system of unwanted children out there already why is that?

BALTIMORE —  A toddler whose remains were found inside a suitcase in Philadelphia this spring was starved to death by members of a religious cult, including his mother, in part because he refused to say "amen" after meals, police said.

Ria Ramkissoon, the mother of Javon Thompson, was charged Sunday with first-degree murder in the boy's death, and Baltimore police said Monday that three other members of a group called 1 Mind Ministries have also been charged with first-degree murder. Police and Ramkissoon's family say the group is a cult.

Members did not seek medical care for Javon when he stopped breathing, and the boy died in his mother's arms, according to court documents that described police interviews with a confidential informant and two children. He would have been about 19 months old when police say adults stopped feeding him in December 2006.

Ramkissoon, 21, was being held Monday in the psychiatric ward of Baltimore's Central Booking and Intake Center, and a bail review was postponed until Tuesday. Her public defender declined comment.

The three other people charged in Javon's death — Queen Antoinette, 40, also known as Toni Ellsberry or Toni Sloan; Marcus Cobbs, 21; and Trevia Williams, who turns 21 Tuesday — were already in custody. They were arrested in May in New York City on warrants charging them with failure to appear in court in Baltimore. Those charges stemmed from a scuffle with police in a child custody dispute.

No one answered the phone Monday afternoon in the office of a public defender assigned to Antoinette, Cobbs and Williams.

A fifth alleged cult member, Steven Bynum, has been charged in a warrant with first-degree murder and remains at large, police said Monday. He was believed to be in New York.

Ramkissoon's family said she should not be held responsible for her son's death.

"She had no control over that situation at all," her stepfather, Craig Newton, said Monday.

Ramkissoon's mother, Seeta Khadan-Newton, told The (Baltimore) Sun on Sunday that it wasn't her daughter's decision not to feed the boy.

"My daughter was a victim, just like my grandson," Khadan-Newton said. "Somebody made that decision to not feed that child, and my daughter had to follow instructions."

Members of 1 Mind Ministries wore all white, swore off medical care and referred to some members with titles including queen and princess, according to court documents. The group was also accused of insisting that a pregnant woman give birth without access to doctors.

Ramkissoon joined 1 Mind Ministries after Javon was born. Ramkissoon's mother last saw her in April 2006; she later sued for custody of her grandson, writing in a letter to a judge that "the cult leaders" were preventing her from contacting her daughter.

The documents show police interviewed two school-age children who had been part of the group but were taken away from members by Philadelphia police. The children told investigators that members stopped feeding Javon in December 2006, in part because the boy refused to say "amen" after dinner. Members also viewed Javon as "a demon."

Another unnamed informant told police that after Javon died, Antoinette left the boy's body in a room for more than a week, claiming "God was going to raise Javon from the dead," the documents show.

Afterward, Antoinette burned the boy's clothing and a mattress and placed his body in a green suitcase, which she would periodically open and spray with disinfectant to mask the odor, police claim in the court documents.

In early 2007, the group members left Baltimore for Philadelphia. They left the green suitcase and other luggage inside a shed belonging to a man they befriended while there, police said, and then relocated to Brooklyn, N.Y.

Police recovered the suitcase in April after they got a tip from the confidential informant. The remains of a small child were inside. DNA tests are pending to confirm the boy's identity.