2 posts tagged “alcohol”

I have witnessed 1st hand this past year what happens to a child's self esteem and self worth when their parent is a drunk and only cares about themselves because of the drinking.  I have an acquaintance whom we have all tried to help, but refuses to get help for her alcoholism.  It's very sad and what it is doing to her child is even worse.

Children of alcoholics are a population without a clear definition. Because the concept of COA (children of alcoholics) is focused on the child rather than the parent, the definition of a COA is any child whose parent (or parental caregiver) uses alcohol in such a way that it causes problems in the child's life. The child may no longer be living with the substance abusing parent because of separation, divorce, abandonment, incarceration or death. And the parent does not have to be still actively drinking or using for the child to continue to feel the impact of the abuse.

In families where alcohol is being abused, behavior is frequently unpredictable and communication is unclear. Family life is characterized by chaos and unpredictability. Behavior can range from loving to withdrawn to crazy. Structure and rules may be either nonexistent or inconsistent. Children, who may not understand that their parent’s behavior and mood is determined by the amount of alcohol in their bloodstream, can feel confused and insecure. They love their parents and worry about them, and yet feel angry and hurt that their parents do not love them enough to stop using.

Despite the suffering these children endure, many blame themselves for their parent’s substance abuse. They believe it when their parents scream that they wouldn’t drink so much if the children didn’t fight, or rooms were kept clean or grades were better. Some children try to control the drinking by getting all A’s, or keeping the house spic and span, or getting along perfectly with their siblings. Others withdraw, hoping not to create any disturbance that might cause a parent to drink or use. Few realize that children cannot cause a parent to drink nor can they cure a parent’s substance problem.

Many times, children of substance abusers are frightened. They may be the victims of physical violence or incest. They may also witness violence – frequently alcohol and other drug abuse goes hand in hand with domestic violence. And as a result, these youngsters may suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome, with the same kinds of sleep disturbances, flashbacks, anxiety, and depression that are associated with victims of war crimes. These children are not only frightened for their own well-being – they also harbor the all-too-real concern that their parent may get sick or die as a result of the drinking. They know that their parent may drive intoxicated, or get into fights on the street.

Despite the fact that friends can be a buffer for the problems at home, some COAs have a limited social life. They may avoid bringing home friends, or going out in public with their parents. They may even shy away from making friends, because they lack basic social skills or out of a profound fear that someone will find out the truth. They may also find it difficult to make friends because other parents have warned their children to stay away from these youngsters from troubled families. On the other hand, some young people use friends as buffers, relying on their leadership skills to take on key positions in school and extracurricular activities. These young people are often among the most difficult to identify as COAs because their achievements make them seem so "well-adjusted."

Not every family is affected identically. Research has shown that families that maintain certain "rituals," such as holiday traditions or a Friday night pizza and movie can help mediate the chaos of addiction. Sober parents who are able to provide stability, support and nurturing also help minimize confusion and strengthen children. Sometimes family life is less damaging because children rely on "adaptive distancing," a technique in which the child separates from the "centrifugal pull" of family problems in order to maintain pursuits and seek fulfillment in life, school and friendships.

With all this said, my aquaintence still is abusing alcohol, leaving her child to fend for himself at times, going from boyfriend to boyfriend & blaming everyone else for her problems.

I beleive the next step for this person would be for somebody to take the child out of the home so that the child is safe.

It's a sad situation, but happens all to often.  We have a system of unwanted children out there already why is that?

You might ask yourself at times why your teenager is acting out.  Why are they pushing me away and not being sociable any more.  Why aren't they talking to me anymore?  Why are they starting to fail in school?

All these questions can be answered, but you need to open your eyes and ears and figure out why.  Don't look away and think that it will all change and that they will go back to normal after a while.  They might, but they might not.  You always need to keep the lines of communication open with your children, at any age.  Especially when they are teenagers.

Communication with your child should start at birth and end at death.  Your child depends on you for everything, and it doesn't end when they leave the house.  They might not need you as much of course by this time in their life, but there will come a time when they will need you.

If your child is acting out, pushing you away, or failing in school there more in likely is a problem.  You need to find out what this problem is.  It could be that their bodies and minds are just going through the normal changes that happen during puberty, it could also mean that they are depressed, or it could mean  that they are experimenting with drugs.  All in all you need to find out what it is before it becomes a bigger problem. 

Quit asking yourself why and do something about it!